I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
