My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
