Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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