i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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