what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
