worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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