We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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