we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
