Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
