When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
