It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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