I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
