i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
