Barsexuality is the new black.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
