Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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