i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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