Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
