Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
did you just send me my own nude
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
