i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
