Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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