Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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