I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My feet surprised me
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