I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
