Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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