I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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