First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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