Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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