theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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