so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She made me pour olive oil on her.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize