I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
