We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
