No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
