Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
