There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
