i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
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