I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
