I hate your face
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
