i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
