I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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