This is not my ceiling
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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