If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
