I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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