Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
