dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
