Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
