I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
