then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize