I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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