I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
