Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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