It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
