both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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