When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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