I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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