I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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