as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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