2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
two words...techno handjob
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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