I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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