My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
