you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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